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"I was reading more about Osama bin Laden today. Turns out he started in the mailroom." -David Letterman
"I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it - 'Roots.'" -Jay Leno
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." -Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan." -Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." -David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." -David Letterman
"Allied forces have hit all the Taliban military installations and bases. To give you an idea how successful these strikes have been: the Taliban has been telling young men that when they get to heaven, there may not be enough virgins to go around. They were promised 72. Now they are down to 45, but were told, 'Your virgins may vary." -Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo." -Jay Leno
"Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed." -Jay Leno
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head." -Jay Leno